FissionedSorting it out, one post at a time.

1. Redirect Christmas consumption

This year Norway will spend the obscene amount of 6.6 billion $ preparing for the holidays. This means that the average person will spend 1500 $ Christmas shopping, and 435 $ on presents alone. Instead of buying crap that goes directly to storage, is exchanged the next day or simply thrown away, the Norwegian people could erase Togo’s external debt in just one month.

Plus, we wouldn’t have to deal with children like these:



2. Get a sense of perspective

There seems to be a widespread stubbornness in this country, leading some people to place enormous restrictions on what is to be considered “Norwegian.” Every little thing is turned into an opportunity to discuss the downsides of immigration. When researchers worry that Norwegian drinking patterns stand in the way of integration, commentators exclaim that “If they don’t want to be like us, they can go home.” An article about a Norwegian politician holding a speech in parliament under the influence of alcohol is in the comment section somehow magically followed by xenophobic rants, even though this instance had nothing to do with multicultural issues whatsoever.

The most irrelevant cultural differences transform into irreconcilable conflicts. In a recent TV-documentary, the filmmaker interpreted the smell of curry from the neighboring apartment as the immigrant family’s way of intruding on his private sphere. People protest profusely against Ikea designing a hijab as part of the uniform for their Muslim employees. The discovery that most slaughterhouses perform Islamic rituals on all animals, not just those that are sold under the halal-label, leads to outrage and fear that Norway is heading towards Islamic rule.

Why care that the meat we eat is made holy in the name of a god we don’t believe exists? Why worry, when we can be happy? The ninth Satanic Rule of the Earth states that one should not complain about anything one does not need to be subject to. Even if one doesn’t buy into the doctrine of Satanism, this commandment makes a useful mantra. The world would be a far better place if people gained some perspective and reserved their aggravation for more pressing issues.

3. Start with the Man in the Mirror

A lot would change for the better if we listened more closely to Michael Jackson. There is even scientific evidence behind his claims. The theory of facial feedback states that emotion is the experience of changes in our facial muscles. If you smile, you become happy - if you frown, you become sad. It’s simply a matter of pragmatics. One does not attract bees with vinegar. If life deals you lemons, don’t cry – start a lemonade emporium!

 

(This is my sixth contribution to the international blog project One at All. My previus posts can be found here.)

Since the two most recent assignments were rather similar, I decided to put them both in the same post. Thus, here comes a summary of the days, customs, parties and rituals we celebrate in Norway. Even though this country is, by and large, quite secular, we have a state religion and should, no matte......

First of all, thanks for inviting me to this exciting project. I’m not sure Norway would choose me for ambassador, but when I think about it, maybe they should. What I lack in diplomacy and etiquette I more than make up for in spirit and sass.There are plenty of places in this country that bot......

By the time you have finished reading this, your entry into Norwegian social life should be a smooth one, as I will give you a basic understanding of our culture and warn you against some common semantic pitfalls. For instance, my Pakistani-Norwegian boss still cracks up every time a shop keeper ask......

It is sad, but it is true. What my country lacks most, are manners. In Norway, urban culture is a relatively new phenomenon and thus, we tend to get anxious and insecure in situations where we have to interact with people we don’t know intimately. We are clueless on matters of etiquette and ut......

The event most crucial to my country’s fate took place when the Gulf Stream begun its journey from Mexico to our northern shores. I’m not sure exactly on which date this would have happened, but if it hadn’t, life in Norway would be much more frigid than it currently is. More enter......

With most objects of desire, physical nature restricts our choice to but one of many represented goods, and even so it is here. I am often confronted by the necessity of standing by one of my empirical selves and relinquishing the rest. Not that I would not, if I could, be both handsome and fat and ......

During dark and lonely nights I may be a slave to the blogging blues. During daytime, however, I study psychology at the University of Oslo. I now face the final obstacle before joining the ranks of those educated for unemployment. The next eight months are solely dedicated to a research project of ......

In what feels like my final hours, I welter under the blankets with a terminal case of self-pity (and the flu) as I keep death at bay by posting lists to my blog. It's hard to say which part is the saddest, my self-pity or the fact that I spend my time writing nonsense.Earlier today, I had......

Nouveau riche, self-made “car tire baron” and Norway’s second koenigsegg-owner Tommy Sharif is not impressed with politicians’ proposal to implement affirmative action in order to remedy the lack of ethnic plurality in official positions. -I find it annoying to read complain......

The miracle dawns upon me as I am attacking a fully grown sink of dirty dishes, or should I say; as I am bathing the baby Buddha. It is important to appreciate the simple things. What if I didn’t have arms? Then I couldn't have been here, delightfully doing the dishes! Attitude is key. Th......

I was in bed when the phone rang. Somehow it did not seem implausible that famous psychologist, stepfather of the unconscious and proponent of dream analysis Carl Jung would choose me to talk to when he finally broke 45 years of deathly silence.I was proud, but also terrified. What would I say to on......

"I don’t get you. You never lose yourself in anything, you have no hobbies, you don’t collect anything. You’re never crazy about anything other than TV or your stupid boyfriends. You never forget time, you never curse, and you never interrupt conversations to tell a funny stor......